If you don't wanna love me
by chuckaddict
Summary: Post Chuck vs. the Broken Heart. Sarah decides to tell Chuck how she feels. Will she? Song by James Morrison.


**A/N:** Hi, everyone! I wrote this a while ago and I was worried that Sarah may be out of character, but I asked some people (**Aerox**, **charahtwins** and **lapini85**) about it and they said she's not (at least 'not _that_ OOC') considering the circumstances. So, here's a few things that you might need to know (heh):

this is post 49-B (_Chuck vs. the Broken Heart_, when Sarah was ordered to leave and Forrest almost killed Chuck);

I arbitrarily decided to place Sarah's v-log confession around this date.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. If you do–or if you don't–please, leave a review. Thanks for reading!

No beta, so apologies in advance for the mistakes you'll find. I don't own Chuck and James Morrison owns the song.

* * *

_When you lower me down_

_so deep that I, I can't get out._

_And when you're lost, lost and alone_

_yes, you'd think it was the last place_

_you'd come back for more._

Chuck is sitting on the couch, uselessly trying to think about anything but her. He's alone, and the silence that surrounds him only serves to increase his apprehension. He feels that's all he does lately, torture himself over a relationship that's been doomed from the start. But he just can't help it. Not when she owns every single thought that goes through his mind. Not when she's the first thing he thinks of when he wakes up, and the last when he goes to sleep. Not when it's her face the one he sees in his dreams; the one he tries to reach and every single time gets away from him, leaving him dejected, miserable and feeling just a little more hopeless than he was before. But he can't stop thinking about her. Because he loves her. It's stupid, it's irrational, it's dangerous. But he can't stop it.

He knows, of course, that women like her aren't supposed to be with guys like him. And he feels so inadequate. He stumbles upon things when she's around. He stammers and rants and always ends up putting his foot in his mouth. His palms get sweaty anytime he notices her looking at him. His heart beats so much faster when she graces him with one of those rare, wonderful smiles of hers. His eyes light up with hope when she does something unexpected, like holding his hand or saying something nice about him. And then, just like that, she closes off again and he just can't get through her walls. She acts like the cold spy she's supposed to be–although he knows better–and treats him like an asset. She's professional, reserved and distant. And his heart breaks each and every time. Still, he can't find it in him to put an end in all of this. Even if that means he has to stand her rejections and act like he's fine with what they have–whatever that is–he'd rather be there for her than not being there at all. Because, deep down, he's sure she needs him, maybe not in the same capacity he needs her, but he's seen it in her eyes in the few moments she let herself display vulnerability, and he's not going to disappoint her.

_If you don't want me to leave_

_then don't push me away;_

_you'd rather blow out the lights,_

_you can watch it all fade._

_But I'm going nowhere._

A knock on the door momentarily distracts him from his somber thoughts, and he gets up and makes his way towards it, wondering if they already have a new mission. He opens the door and is not really surprised when he sees her standing there. She looks beautiful, of course. He curses inwardly, wondering if she does it on purpose, just to add to his torture. It's not fair to be desperately in love with someone who can't and doesn't allow herself to love you, he thinks, but it's even more unfair having to bear seeing her looking like she does, so damn perfect all the time.

He's an idiot. He had to go and fall for the most incredible woman in the planet. He's going to die alone and miserable and she will still be the only one in his mind when he takes his last breath.

He lets her in when he notices her smile fade, and invites her to join him in the couch. She looks a little anxious and he asks her if everything is alright. She nods and looks away. He tries to make small talk, but she doesn't seem too interested in talking about the weather or the last dumb thing Jeff and Lester did at work. He finally decides to shut up and give her time to tell him whatever is bothering her. He hears her take a deep breath and ask him where Ellie and Devon are. He tells her they're out for the weekend, looking for a place for their wedding. He jokingly adds that's why the place looks like a bachelor pad now. She doesn't laugh and he frowns. She _always_ laughs at his stupid jokes. Finally, his patience–or the lack of it–gets the best of him and, as softly as he can, he inquires, "Sarah, what is going on?"

She tries to avoid his gaze, but he keeps his eyes on her. "I... I just wanted to talk." Her voice is low and her tone shy.

He nods encouragingly. "Is there anything in particular you wanted to talk about?"

She looks at him abruptly and opens her mouth, but she waits a second too long and her resolve crumbles. "Chuck... I, I can't." She gets up from the couch and heads to the door, but he goes after her and manages to grab a hold of her wrist before she can get out of the apartment.

He can see she's struggling and he can't stand to see her this unhappy. "Sarah, please. Tell me what's wrong," he says. His voice is soft and tender and filled with love. It's impossible not to acknowledge it and he knows it, but he doesn't care. All he wants is for her to be happy, and if he can do anything to relieve her pain, he's going to do just that. He'll deal with his own burden later.

All of a sudden, he feels an impact on his chest and it takes him a second to realize she's in his arms, holding onto him for dear life. Confused, he just wraps his arms around her. She doesn't cry, but he knows she's close to. He's never really seen her cry, except for that one time in the rooftop, when they thought he was going to be taken underground. She shifts and holds him closer, and he closes his eyes and rests his cheek on her head, involuntarily taking in the smell of her hair. After what feels like an eternity, but is still not long enough for him, she slowly extricates herself from his embrace. She looks at him and all the emotions he's been trying to ignore and push aside come back with renewed force. She puts a shaky hand on his cheek and looks at him like she's never looked at him before. He closes his eyes and, for a second, he pretends this is real.

_I'm gonna stay_

_when you just wanna fight,_

_when you're closing your eyes_

_coz you don't wanna love me._

_I'm gonna stay_

_you can't push me too far,_

_there's no space in my heart_

_where I don't wanna love you._

She's been so close. So close to lose it all; to lose _him_ forever. She still has nightmares about it. She's even been ordered to leave him, to walk away from him, like it's the easiest thing to do. And the worst part is, she did it anyway. And if she hadn't come back, Forrest could've blown him up. And now he would be gone. And she would have nothing.

She didn't want to come in the first place. She knows his apartment is the last place she's supposed to be. She knows that, of all the things she could be doing right now, clinging to him like she is shouldn't even be an option. But she can't stop herself as she buries her face deeper into his chest and breathes him in. Because, deep inside, she _did_ want to come. Because she needed to see him. She needed to prove herself he is alright because she saved him once again, because she can still do her job even if she _has_ broken the cardinal rule.

So she does the one thing that can really comfort her right now. She holds him and lets him hold her too. Gone are her self-restraint, her excuses and her damn professionalism. A moment earlier she was ready to run away and keep pretending, but now, in his arms, she realizes she can't fight this anymore. She _won't_ fight it anymore.

She knows he loves her. He's so transparent when it comes to feelings. His eyes shine with adoration every time he looks at her. His breathing grows shallow every time she invades his personal space, usually when they have to pretend they _are_ a real couple. And his smile... His smile is all kinds of wonderful. But it's even more special when he smiles at _her_.

She closes her eyes for a moment. Somehow, for some inexplicable reason, this incredible man fell in love with her and never asked for anything in return. She's hurt him more times than she'd be proud to admit, but he's still there when she needs him. He's there now, and he doesn't even know what caused her ridiculous emotional reaction.

Again, she's doing a crappy job hiding her feelings and she knows it, but for once, she doesn't care. Because she's made a choice. She loves him too, and he deserves to know. Even if the moment she tells him a SWAT team comes through the door and arrests her. He deserves to know because she's come too close to lose him and she can't bear the thought of him dying without knowing exactly how she feels. So she takes a deep breath and disentangles from his embrace so she can make eye contact. She smiles a little when her gaze meets his, all brown and warm and intense. She cradles his cheek in her hand and her heart beats faster inside her chest when he exhales and closes his eyes for a moment relishing in her touch.

_And when there's no, no storm,_

_how can I feel the calm?_

_If there's nothing, nothing, nothing left to lose,_

_then what is this feeling_

_that keeps on bringing me back to you?_

Sarah knows it's up to her. It's always been, really. He's showed her how he feels time and again. He's tried to hide it and ignore it and even move on, but when nothing worked and he thought she had been about to leave with another guy, he confronted her and told her the truth.

_"I'm crazy about you."_ His words had burned at the time. She didn't dare to look at him because she knew she wouldn't be able to reject him once more. If only he knew how hard it was for her to pretend indifference at his clumsy–yet endearing–advances. If only he knew how long ago she fell for him. He would never believe her if she told him that she knew he was extraordinary before he started doing extraordinary things. And now, she's here.

She can't believe how nervous she is. If she could do anything else than breathing heavily right now, she would laugh out loud at the absurdity of the situation. It's always been easy for her to deal with men, at least after she joined the Agency. But when it's about feelings and her heart is at stake, she can't bring herself to take the leap. Even when she knows what his answer is going to be. She knows Chuck would never intentionally hurt her, but that doesn't seem to be enough. She clenches her teeth for a second and then opens her mouth but no words come out. She's always been lousy with words. She tries to retrieve her hand, frustrated. But when he opens his eyes and places his hand over hers, and looks at her with pure love, her last wall crumbles and she sighs. That's it. He's seeing her, the _real_ her for the first time. And although she feels naked under his scrutinizing gaze and her first instinct is to run away from him, she can't move. She can't even take her eyes off of his.

_He_ _knows_. She can tell he knows because of the surprised look he shoots her right before his gorgeous smile takes over his face. She responds with one of her own, relived and thankful that, when it comes to him, she doesn't even need words to communicate, and he takes a step closer to her. He leans over slowly, almost as if he was asking for permission or giving her the chance to change her mind. But she's done with hiding and running away from him. So she closes the gap between them and, as their lips meet, she realizes that this, that feels so right and simple and easy is the best thing she's ever done. Allowing herself to love Chuck Bartowski is the best decision she's ever made.

_So I'm gonna stay_

_when you just wanna fight_

_and you're closing your eyes_

_coz you don't wanna love me._

_I'm gonna stay (yes, I will)_

_you can't push me too far,_

_there's no space in my heart_

_where I don't wanna love you._

He kisses her slowly. His tenderness contrastswith the wave of emotions that run through him as he gently explores her body with his hands. He can't think. He can't breathe. He can't do anything but to lose himself in her. He holds her tight because he knows there's a world out there waiting for him to let her go to take her away from him. That's what always happens. But not this time. He's not letting her go ever again. Unless she asks him to.

Eventually, they break the kiss, but he keeps her in his embrace and rests his forehead against hers. Her eyes are still closed and he starts to panic. He fears that she's regretting this already, because this is all he's ever wanted. _This_ is perfect. So when she swallows and mumbles, "Chuck, I..." he interrupts her, finally saying what he's always wanted to say. "Sarah, I love you." His eyes are now closed too, so he can't see the smile that spreads on her face.

"I love you too, Chuck." Her confession shocks him and delights him at the same time. He pulls back to get a better look at her, to confirm he heard her right. Her shy smile erases all his doubts and he lets out a relieved sigh. She chuckles lightly, and eagerly kisses him again as she gently takes his hand and guides him to his room.

He can't believe it's real. He can't believe she's here with him because she willingly _chose_ him. Because she _loves_ him. The last thing that crosses his mind before he loses all ability to think rationally, is that he's the luckiest man alive.

_If you asked me to leave_

_and I walked away_

_we'd still be alone, and we'd still be afraid._

_I'm going nowhere, I'm going nowhere._

She's the luckiest woman in the world. As they lie tangled on his bed, her head resting on his chest, she can't wipe the grin off her face. Chuck's asleep, and he's smiling too. She reaches over to kiss his jaw, and he doesn't stir. She can't think of a moment when she's felt so good before. She's never been this happy. She's never felt as complete as she feels now with him.

The cynic in her points out that's been mere hours since she admitted being in love and she's already turning into a sap. But she doesn't really care. Everything she wants, everything she needs, everything she loves is in her arms right now. And nothing and no one will ever make her give him up. _This is it_. She knows; she's known it all along and maybe that's why she's been so afraid in the past. But there's no way she's going back. She tightens her hold on him and feels his hand caressing her hair. He kisses the top of her head and groggily greets her. "Hey."

She relaxes a little and looks up at him. "Hey." She smiles and kisses him fiercely on the lips, pouring every emotion into the kiss.

When they pull away, he looks at her with a hint of worry in his eyes. "Is everything ok, honey?"

She smiles brightly when he calls her that. She nods and pecks him again. She places her head back on his chest as she hears him say, "I've never been happier in my entire life, Sarah. I love you so much."

_I'm gonna stay_

_when you just wanna fight_

_and there's tears in your eyes_

_coz you don't wanna love me._

_I'm gonna stay_

_all the tears that I've cried_

_I could leave them to dry_

_if you don't wanna love me._

She sighs audibly and he tenses when she doesn't respond. _Surely she doesn't regret doing this, right?_ he thinks and immediately scolds himself for being so stupid. She said she loved him and he believes her. He _knows_ she loves him, he corrects himself. Before he can ask, though, she speaks up. "It's not going to be easy, you know?" Her voice is soft and he can tell she's trying to sound unaffected, but he knows her too well.

He shifts so he can look at her. "Hey," he says, but she keeps avoiding his gaze. He puts his finger under her chin and lifts it until she's looking at him. "Of course it's not going to be easy, Sarah." He smiles and then adds, "It's us." His comment elicits a small chuckle from her. "But you know what?" he searches for her hand and intertwines his fingers with hers. "I'm here. Whenever things get difficult, I'm here for you. We can do this. As long as we have each other, the rest is just details."

She looks down at their joined hands and then up again, where she finds his gentle eyes staring lovingly at her, and she believes him. She believes she can do anything because she has _him_. She smiles and gets closer to him, their faces only inches apart. She whispers, "I love you, Chuck," against his mouth and kisses him, proving him she's telling the truth.

He responds eagerly, but pulls back after a few seconds. Her heart swells in her chest when he utters his next words.

"I'm here for you, Sarah, for as long as you'll have me."

_I could leave them to dry_

_if you don't wanna love me._

* * *

**A/N: **for those following my stories in progress, the new chapter of HMH is almost done. Once I post it, I'll start finishing chapter four of TN. Again, thanks for reading. Until next time.


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